


Alive and Lost

by cmdrethanshepard



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Graphic Description, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Male Slash
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-26
Updated: 2017-11-11
Packaged: 2018-12-20 06:38:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11915262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cmdrethanshepard/pseuds/cmdrethanshepard
Summary: Knowing that his loved one was alive made Major Kaidan Alenko happy, but he found out that someone else loved him. A female blue alien named Liara T'Soni loved his loved one. What would he do? Especially when the two kissed?





	1. One Day After

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Graphic descriptions of male on male sex in later chapters. 
> 
> Trigger Warning: Descriptive suicide chapter soon.

_ “We did it. We won. The Reapers are dead. And Shepard is… gone.” _

Kaidan thought in his mind. After Commander John Shepard decided to destroy the Reapers by destroying Earth, nothing was done to the Normandy to go find him. Sometimes, Kaidan wished it was him instead of John. He would still be alive even though Kaidan would be watching the Commander’s moves from above.

“John… why?”

The one question was blurted out from the dark-haired man’s lips. His bloodshot brown eyes were still letting tears flow albeit it was painful to let them out. With each tear, Kaidan felt his heart shatter more than it ever did. He reread his unreplied message to the Commander from when the two lovers interacted on Horizon. Holding the datapad which bore the apology message, Kaidan sat on his lover’s bed. He had always thought of what would have happened to the two of them.

A little house in Vancouver, near where Kaidan’s parents lived. One to two children playing in the yard with a dog of some breed. Either a husky or even a german shepherd. Kaidan choked up at the thought of what he and John could’ve had. He dried his bloodshot eyes and walked out of the Commander’s quarters, tossing the datapad on the bed before he opened the door. When he did, Liara T’Soni was there.

“Major, we found ou- Are you okay?”

Her calming voice soothed his senses, but he shook his head. She could sense that he missed Shepard, considering how much the two of them loved each other dearly. Liara, not one usually for touching humans, pulled Major Alenko into a hug. Kaidan relaxed in her embrace, shaking his head.

“I miss him so much, Liara. More than anything else.”

Liara nodded as the Commander was a huge part of the Major’s life. She wanted Kaidan to be happy, and she knew he wouldn’t be happy until he knew that either Shepard survived or the crew of the Normandy found his body.

“Don’t worry Major. Soon, we can get off of this planet and get back to Earth. We’ll look for Shepard when we get there. But for now, we need to worry about the Normandy.”

Kaidan nodded and stepped out of the friendly embrace between the asari and him, checking the notes he had written in his omni-tool. He would try to contact the Citadel to see if they could send over some more resources to fix the Normandy.

The first item on his checklist was to find out how bad the damage was until Joker called over the intercom inside the ship.

“Yeah baby! Major, we are getting some minor feedback from the engines.” 

Kaidan’s face lit up with a small smile. The engines were working, even if they were working for a short amount of time. All of a sudden, Specialist Traynor was at the Commander’s door.

“Major Alenko? I was told to give you this. By an unknown person.”

She held out a box, a small box at that. He held it in his hands and looked at her. He nodded as a sign of thanks, and she left him in the corridor of Deck One. He went down to the CIC and went to visit Joker in the cockpit. 

“Hey Joker, you said the engines are working?”

The major asked the pilot, the pilot nodding his head with excitement. Joker usually wasn’t this happy since he found out that EDI had put herself into Dr. Core’s body and became his girlfriend.

“Yeah! We could get to the Citadel from here with the engines. Until they would need to be fixed. Which will take about a couple months, but don’t worry, Major. We’ll find him.”

_ “Him. John. The love of my life.” _

“Good. If anyone needs anything, I’ll be in Sh- my quarters.”

Kaidan went back to John’s quarters, sitting on the bed that the two of them used to… make out and have sex on before the fight against the Reapers.

_ “Please, John, please be alive…” _

———————————————— 

John Shepard had done it. He had finally done the impossible. He destroyed the Reapers, a species of alien, whose primary job was to “cleanse” the galaxy of all the other species that survived and thrived. At the cost of being completely shattered by rubble. He blinked, his bright blue eyes shining with a final happiness. He couldn't speak nor move. He was trapped in a horrifying darkness that encased his body and felt a wave of sleepiness take over his body and he fell asleep, almost like hibernating.


	2. Two Weeks After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard was found by a coworker of Dr. Michel and was taken to an abandoned hospital that had, miraculously, survived the destruction of the earth. Dr. Michel had been sent to Earth as well as other good doctors to help the casualties on Earth. She took charge of fixing Shepard up.

Two weeks or so, since the Reapers were destroyed, passed. Everyone on the Normandy had been doing so much work to help the workers at the Citadel to rebuild the ship. Even Joker and EDI were helping. They all had seen what one of the humans had found while scavenging London. A broken omni-tool that had one recorded message on it. It was Shepard’s voice that played when the crew of the Normandy listened to it.

Everyone was excited to see their commander again. Especially Kaidan, Garrus, Wrex, Liara, Joker, and Tali. The people who really knew Shepard. Kaidan’s brown eyes looked up at the sky, remembering someone else who would also be happy to see him. 

_ “Ash, we haven't forgotten you.” _

He thought, looking back to the Normandy as she started coming together. Every once in awhile, the crew would take a break and they would all head to Anderson’s/Shepard’s personal apartment. They would have drinks there and stare at the picture that they took after the party before all this happened. Kaidan’s eyes looked at the spot next to him where Shepard sat in the picture. It almost felt like Shepard and he were still staring at each other.  
————————————————  
Shepard had been rescued by an unknown person, and he was sent to a hospital that had been rebuilt by the new humans living there. One of the women there was Dr. Michel, and she took charge of fixing Shepard. She had a feeling that it was him. She began work immediately, having another feeling that the Normandy would be coming back for it’s Commander Shepard. If they wanted to see Commander Shepard alive, she would have to begin work right away. Luckily he only had broken bones and dislocated joints. But sometimes, it was hard on Dr. Michel to try to piece Shepard’s bones and dislocated joints back together. In the end, she was able to accomplish her work and left a video log.

“Video log number one. Patient has been rescued and taken to intensive care under Dr. Chloe Michel. Major dislocation of shoulders and kneecaps. A few broken ribs, major head trauma, and a few popped blood vessels. For a patient who had defeated the Reapers, that is not a lot of injuries.”

She closed the video log, mentally hating herself for what she said at the end. She checked his head again and it reminded her of what Major Alenko looked like when he was taken to the Citadel, the Huerta Memorial Hospital. She remembered seeing Major Alenko’s face as it was all bruised and bloodied up, kind of like how Shepard’s face looked at the moment she was working on him. All of the other doctors made sure to keep out of Dr. Michel's way except when they were needed. Unfortunately, that was a lot of times. 

"Come on, Commander. People need you."


	3. Three Months Later

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard had finally woken up and Kaidan's team was preparing for the long trip to Earth to find him.

Almost three months after the humans defeated the Reapers, the Normandy, now in dock at the Citadel, was fully ready to go. Each crew member was exhausted from all the work that the Major put them through. However, Kaidan started doubting everything. They were ready to go, but someone could have faked the message to get them to come to Earth. He looked inside the box that Specialist Traynor gave to him and teared up, again. It was a message from his lover.

__ Kaidan,   
If you are reading this note, I’ll probably have destroyed the Reapers and we won. I love you. I know I didn’t say it much before, but I was unsure of my feelings for you. The night before Ilos meant so much more to me than you would ever know. I wanted to give you this if I ever saw you again after the Reapers. I wanted you to have this ring to wear, in case you ever lost me again. There’s also a yang necklace in there. I have the yin.  
P.S. I’m sorry, Kaidan.  
Your lover,  
John.  


Kaidan’s eyes teared up when he found an elaborate engagement ring fit for a man like him and the yang necklace. He placed them both on and kissed the top of the ring softly.

_ ”You are an ass, Shepard. A fucking ass for not asking me this earlier. But my answer is yes.” _ Kaidan smiled a bit at the thought and stared up at the ceiling. His mind began creating scenarios until Joker’s voice over the intercom interrupted his thoughts.

“We are preparing for take off. Major Alenko, are you ready to go?”

Kaidan set the box down on the desk in Shepard’s quarters and smiled, making his way to the CIC. Moving with long, prideful glides, he got to the cockpit where the crippled pilot and his robotic girlfriend sat.

“Joker, get ready to go to Earth. We’ve got a missing Commander and we need to find him.”

Joker shot Kaidan a smile and nodded, waiting for the ship clamps to lift. Kaidan stood in the cockpit, his brown eyes alight with happiness. He was allowed to give the crew members an inspiring message. 

“I know that everyone is tired, but we’re finally returning to Earth. We will split up into teams that will go to different parts of the world. One team will search America, one team will search Canada, my team will search Britain, and so on and so forth. We’re also getting help from people that went back to Earth before us, people that Shepard helped with their problems. Everyone on this ship who has known Shepard, meet me in the conference room so we can divide ourselves up. We will not give up until we find Commander Shepard!”  
————————————————  
Shepard woke up in the hospital, not being able to move his legs, his arms, nor his torso. He looked at his surroundings without moving his head, making it much more painful for him. He imagined Kaidan sitting in the chair next to his bed, so close to him that their lips were almost touching. John felt the necklace around his neck and Dr. Michel walked into his room.

“Ah, Shepard. You’re awake. Good. How are you feeling?”

“Like the morning after shore leave, Dr. Michel.” Was the reply from the tough Commander. Dr. Michel nodded and sat next to him. She feared for the Commander’s life, but she knew he would make it.

“So, I heard some interesting news from the Citadel, Commander. Some news about your ship, the Normandy.”

Shepard’s eyes, previously darkened with pain, lightened up at the mention of the Normandy. His ship, the one he considered his home, was still running?

“Is it still running? Is Kaidan on it? How is the crew?” Usually John wasn’t this nosy, but he did want to know if everyone was okay. Especially Kaidan. 

God, if anything happened to Kaidan, he would not be able to live with himself. Every day, if Kaidan was killed, would be a day of darkness. He wasn’t one to be into the romantic shit, but he truly believed that Kaidan was the light in his life. Of course, he wouldn’t know if anything happened to Kaidan until he saw him.

“Yes, the ship is still running. I don’t know if Major Alenko is on the ship or not. I also don't know how the crew is doing.”

Shepard’s face fell when Dr. Michel said that. His heart grew heavy, dropping to the same level his stomach was at. Kaidan… was he on the Normandy? John hoped he was, but Dr. Michel had spoken with a sure tone that she didn't know.

John let out a soft sigh as Dr. Michel rubbed his shoulder gently. John relaxed a bit at her touch even though he could not move it. 

“I really hope Kaidan’s okay…” He murmured before falling back into a deep sleep. Dr. Michel agreed with him, considering that no one should lose his loved one. She went to her terminal and recorded another video log.

“Patient is doing well. Head trauma is gone. Most of the bones are healing, albeit painfully for him. Dislocations are fixed. He still can’t move yet, but he’ll be able to move soon. Give or take a few more months. Dr. Chloe Michel out.”


	4. The Day Shepard Was Found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard was found by the crew of the Normandy, but something ensues.

The day had arrived. Everyone had his or her team and assignment. Major Kaidan Alenko stood in the Normandy, Garrus Vakarian and Liara T'Soni standing behind him. They were standing in the shuttle bay, waiting until their drop point came by. Steve Cortez took care of piloting the shuttle to touch it down on the rubble in London. Unfortunately, once the team touched down, Liara ran off towards where she thought Shepard was. Kaidan and Garrus tried to keep up until Garrus found one of Shepard's dog tags. 

"Kaidan, take a look at this..."

Kaidan walked over and looked at Shepard's dog tag in Garrus's hand. Unfortunately, it was not around Shepard. Kaidan clutched his yang necklace in his hand, tightly. He realized where Shepard could be and ran off in the direction of the hospital in London. Of course, he was more following Liara than anything. His heart pumped louder and louder with each step he took. He was ready. He was ready to see the man of his dreams. His dreams, his nightmares, his life.  
————————————————  


Shepard now was feeling much better and was able to move, but he was put on medication to help ease the pain of the head swelling. As he walked, well shuffled, around the room, a woman with blue skin crashed into him and kissed him passionately. His mind spun with a lot of questions. At first, he thought, "Why is this woman kissing me?" Then it was "Actually, she's kinda cute. Very cute if anything." He struggled underneath the woman's grasp before he saw a man in blue armor appear in the doorway. Then a name appeared in his head which he remembered. Quite well, for a drugged person. Especially when the girl with the blue skin leaped up and called the man's name.

"Oh, Kaidan!" The woman, whom John remembered was Liara T'Soni, cried out when she saw him walk into the room.

"Kaidan..." He said in his mind.

That name forced him to push the blue girl off and his eyes went crazy. He walked up to Kaidan, trying to compose himself. Though he stumbled around, almost like he was drunk. He knew he really wasn't drunk, but the medications he was on made him super high.

"Kaidan... Is it really you...? My lover?"


	5. Heartbreak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan walked in on Liara and John kissing which caused him, Kaidan, to break up with John on the spot. So both of their hearts got broken.

"Lover. The stupid motherfucker called me his lover." Kaidan's usual bright brown eyes darkened with anger. No. Fury. This man, John Shepard, kissed another fucking person in front of him and had the audacity to call the biotic his lover.

"Excuse me? I'm your lover? You sure it isn't Liara who is your goddamned lover? You clearly kissed her, John. And to think that I was actually fucking happy when I heard that you were alive. Now... I-I wish you were dead!" Kaidan cried out as hot, angry tears made their way down his cheeks. The tears left watery trails on his cheeks. John was startled that Kaidan could even yell that loud when he was angry.

"I wish we never got together, you asshole!" Kaidan cried out, following his last statement he made, showing the emotion that he didn't want to show. His sadness. He took a deep breath and walked out of the room. He could not believe that he became dependent on John. Just like everyone else he ever loved and lost. However, he had a feeling in his heart that made him think if John really kissed Liara.  
————————————————  
John was so upset due to the situation that arose from the ashes which was the kiss between the blue woman, apparently named Liara, and him. Why did she even kiss him anyway? Did she think it would help her? Help him?

Whatever the reason was, it didn't matter to him. He lost the one man that meant everything to him. He was now in a cold, dark world because he lost Kaidan.

A present was next to his bed with a note from the blue- Liara. It was a bottle of whiskey. He grabbed the whiskey although a lot of pain shot up his arm. He didn't dare put it in a glass. He just chugged the liquid from the fucking bottle like it was beer.

The amber liquid burned his throat and once he was done with the liquid, he chucked the bottle at the wall. He didn't realize Liara was still there until he had climbed back into bed.

Liara looked horrified that she caused this rage inside Shepard. Little did she know that Kaidan was going through the exact same thing. Both of the men, she realized, had different unanswered questions but they stemmed from the same problem. That problem is that she had gotten in the way of their relationship.

"Why does Kaidan hate me?" John thought in his mind, his mind spinning with confusion.

"Why did John cheat on me with Liara?" Kaidan thought in his mind, his thoughts flooding with anger but mixing with the memories of John and him.

"What did I do wrong?"


End file.
